How To Sell $1.25 for $30 Or More

Since we are so tight on money lately, my hubby got the great idea to sell... money! Weird? He's been a coin collector for a long time. Here's our Ebay auction - Item Number 320161994210. I wrote it... can you tell?

Up for auction - $1.25 + Box + extra piece of paper that says “Certificate of Authenticity.”

So right now my husband and I are looking for ways to stay on our feet after having a baby who spent 16 weeks in the hospital. As much as I love working outside the home, it’s just not possible right now (darn!) You see, our little one is a bit special and requires the care of a nurse in my absence… something most daycares don’t seem to have on hand these days. How much does a nurse cost? $27 and hour! Unfortunately, that’s like, twice what I would make if I went back to work. Essentially, I would be paying someone so I could go enjoy slaving away for some boss who never seems satisfied with anything I do. Angels could fly out my butt and this guy would probably call me in and tell me to hang fly strips to clean up the mess I’d made. Not gonna happen.

We’ve been brainstorming for new and different ways to make some extra cash to help pay all the bills. We’re making an attempt to sell our nice, 4 bedroom house so we can trade Texas suburbia in for a singlewide trailer out in tornado ally. I’m really looking forward to some nice circa 1962 orange and green shag carpet and those nice polyester window treatments! Maybe we can even get an Elvis TV tray! yippee.

OK – so last night we were thinking of some more ways to drum up a little extra money when I saw a little light-bulb turn on over my husband’s head.
“Turn off the light... we’re trying to conserve electricity!” I yelled at our 4-year-old.
After we were sitting in the dark again husband exclaimed, “I know! We can sell some of my coin collection!”
“Your COIN collection? You want to sell money for money?” Huh – what a novel idea.

My husband dug out his coin collection which he keeps stored in a bucket, and started going through it. I admit that the whole time I couldn’t help thinking ‘here we are living on peanut butter and eggs, our children are wearing clothes I find at garage sales for $.25 and my husband has a bucket of money hidden in the closet! And this makes sense… how?’

This actually isn’t quite just a bucket of loose change or anything. It has these things called “Proof Sets” and stuff in it that this man has been collecting his whole life. My husband tells me that a “Proof Set” is a nicely packaged set of coins that have all been pressed twice, put in a cheepo plastic case and have never been touched by human hands. I am assuming the government employs monkeys to package these for us. I see this little case holding five shiny quarters and I see “$1.25.” Evidently my husband believes we can sell $1.25 on Ebay for more than $1.25.

This particular “Proof Set” is a 2001-S set of 5 quarters. It has New York with a picture of Lady Liberty (did you know she’s a French immigrant?). The Vermont quarter has a picture of some tree vampire sucking the maple out of a couple poor, defenseless trees. There is a North Carolina quarter with a picture of the Wright Brothers trying not to crash an airplane. The Rhode Island quarter has a nice little boat on it (how is it that a state that is smaller than Dallas and Fort Worth together gets its own quarter? Shouldn’t Alaska, Texas and California get two quarters each then?). Finally there is a Kentucky quarter with a mansion and a pretty horse on it. Have you ever noticed that the board fence on this quarter is four boards high, but it barely even comes up to this horse’s chest? Now either that’s a TALL horse, or someone needs to get their money back for that crappy fence work!

These quarters are all very shiny and look pretty against the blue background. (Hey – I’m female… we’re kind of like crows. If it’s sparkly, we’ll probably be attracted to it.) There are no scratches on the case from the monkeys and no discoloration of the coins. The cardboard box has a pissed off looking Eagle on it and shows some wear across the place that says 2001. My husband says we got it that way. (I guess it’s no use asking for our “money” back?)

Now, as these quarters are from 2001, I would consider this NEW money. We all know that new money has a reputation for buying Ferraris and wearing fur just to show off. From what I have seen, new money often ends up in rehab, so if you buy this money, keep an eye on it! We take no responsibility for the actions of this money after it leaves our bucket.

I know my husband has some OLD money in his bucket too. I’m not as worried about keeping that stuff around. Chances are it will spend its time hanging out in the Hamptons or doing lunch with Buffy and Biff. Whatever. I also found a few old paper dollars in the bucket. Does this make my husband a bill collector, too? And I thought I knew the guy! Sob, sob.

Now then, if you want to buy $1.25 worth of quarters that have only been handled by monkeys, please bid on this item. I looked out at some other sales on Ebay and it seems there are plenty of folks out there who want to buy five quarters for, like, $35 or something. And you think I’m funny?

PAYMENT OPTIONS: Hey – you’re buying MONEY. Pay us MONEY for this money. *** We prefer PayPal *** However, Money Orders, Cashiers Checks or Cash are accepted. If you have anything else sparkly, I might consider it.

PAYMENTS: All winning bidders are expected to complete the purchase through PayPal, Cashier’s Check, Cash or Money Order within 7 days of auction close. Any Non-Paying winning bidder will be left negative feedback and/or Non-Paying Bidder Status with Ebay after 10 days of non-payment, and we won’t send the pretty quarters.

RETURNS & REFUNDS: Product is being sold in as-is condition. The box is a tiny bit dog-eared, but the quarters inside the plastic have never been touched by HUMAN hands. No returns will be accepted or refunds made – even if you find monkey prints on the money. Please look at pictures prior to purchase. E-mail for more pictures.

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Observations Of Uranus

I find it rather humorous that a number of years back, certain science experts decided to change the pronunciation of Uranus. Its name has been pronounced “Your Anus” since its discovery in 1770. In fact, the heavy, radioactive metal “Uranium” was named after Uranus when it was discovered only 8 years later by a German chemist. What a compliment to Uranus to have something hazardous associated and named for it!

Recently we have been told that the new and improved pronunciation of this planet is “urine-us.” Evidently the constant giggling over the original pronunciation was upsetting to the university professors and scientists.

Personally I fail to see why “urine-us” is any better than “your-anus.” Do we now have to pronounce Uranium as “urine-‘em?” Perhaps that would balance things out, for if we are to urine us we might as well urine ‘em while we’re at it. Or should it be "urine-yum?"

The original pronunciation of “your anus” just seems to fit in better with universal movement. Think of the other cosmic terms out there. Nebulae (cosmic gas), irregular galaxy, black holes, cosmic blasts, asteroid… Freud would have a hay-day with these terms.

And what about Asteroids? Nobody seems to have a problem with the pronunciation of these cosmic objects. I Googled “Uranus” and “Asteroids” together and found the following information:
“An Uranus-crosser asteroid is an asteroid whose orbit crosses that of Uranus. Most if not all are classified as ‘Centaurs’.”

What is a Centaur? A Centaur is a creature bearing the upper torso and head of a man, and the great-big buttocks of a horse. See? Universal compatibility!

I'd also love to know, if we send the Navy in a starship to explore the planets of our solar system, does that mean there could someday be seamen on Uranus? And if minerals are found there, will we be drilling into Uranus? Perhaps Uranus will be a great source of natural gas at some point in the distant future?

Only time will tell. In the mean time, how ever we choose to pronounce “Uranus” in the end, don’t let the scientists switch things about too much. I'd think it would be better to have a hemisphere full of asteroids or an atmosphere full of hemorrhoids.

Welcome to Holland… And New York City… And Iraq…

My Own Twist To The Famous Essay By Emily Perl Kingsley as seen at:
http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

I have been asked what it is like to have a child with special needs. Huh? Which one of my three are you talking about?

Let me explain it like this: It’s kind of like planning a trip to Nebraska, over and over again. You have friends who have been to all kinds of places, and you decide that Nebraska sounds the most “normal.” You don’t really want to have to deal with the smell of New Jersey, and California seems a little nutty. Texas seems like a whole ‘nother country and Oklahoma doesn’t really stand out. So Nebraska it is.

When the airplane lands, no one will tell you where you are or what you are supposed to do there. All you know is that it does not look like Nebraska. Soon you start to notice that you have come to a very busy and fast-paced place! You love being there, but sometimes you feel you simply can’t keep up. That is when you start to realize that instead of Nebraska, you have landed in New York City – the city that never sleeps and even the most minor of shows turn into huge productions.

Loving New York City, but still longing to visit Nebraska, you plan another trip. You are beside yourself with excitement as you board your plane, only to become horribly airsick the moment the plane takes off. Shortly into the flight you hit turbulence and must keep your seatbelt securely fastened at all times. When the wild ride finally ends, you happily disembark the aircraft only to find yourself in Iraq.

Iraq is unique and very different from New York City. You find that you love Iraq just as much as New York City, though in Iraq sirens seem to go off for hours on end. Others may wonder how it is that you can enjoy Iraq so much, but it is not something that can be easily explained. The stress level is high in Iraq, and the terrorist activities increase the longer you stay. Even so, Iraq is beautiful and the heat takes the bite out of the cold New York City winters.

Having found homes in two such interesting and different lands, you decide that you have traveled enough. To your consternation, you find yourself unwittingly launched through the air again on yet another aircraft. Unfortunately as you are rocketing through the clouds on this unplanned adventure, you notice that one of the engines has caught fire. When the other engine blows up rather unexpectedly, the aircraft is forced to make a rough emergency landing.

When you wake up in the hospital a few days later, you are informed that you now have a new home in Holland. Holland? After spending so much time in New York City and Iraq, how ever will you survive Holland? Not only have you inadvertently found yourself in Holland, but it seems one of the sea walls has sprung a leak and the land may be quickly reclaimed by the sea.

Suddenly you realize that you would do anything in the world to save Holland. Holland has won your heart just as New York City and Iraq had. Holland is totally different, but more beautiful than you ever imagined. For sixteen weeks you travel between New York City, Iraq and Holland while Holland recovers. When you are finally able to have a summit with the heads of the three areas, you find the most extraordinary thing!

Amazingly, New York City has slowed down just a touch to smell the beautiful Tulips and enjoy the windmills. Iraq, though it continues its terrorist activities toward your home-land, has become a protectorate of Holland and has threatened to annihilate those who would endanger the welfare of this quiet land.

Slowly you realize that the saying is true: All things happen for a reason. These three very different lands have somehow worked to reinstate a balance in your universe. I have also been told that “The Lord never gives you more than you can handle.” Sheesh! The Lord sure must think highly of me!

New York City, with its ADHD ways, now seems more special for its pace and creativity. Holland makes you smile each and every day and helps you to notice the beauty in all the small things. Iraq is still oppositional, defiant, disorderly and intent on taking over the world someday, but with the influence of Holland, perhaps it will rule with a kinder and gentler hand. (One can only hope!)

Is it difficult to live in Holland? Are you kidding? Compared to Iraq, Holland is like heaven! Did we ever make it to Nebraska?

Nebraska? Where’s that?