Baby Naming

I’m sure for some couples, the process of baby naming is easy. Either one parent is a push over and doesn’t care or they’re one of those very rare couples who always agree on everything. For the rest of us, baby naming can be like a game show, the object of which is to decide upon a somewhat socially acceptable name that neither partner hates, without killing or permanently offending anyone involved, in a nine month period of time. Easier said than done.

Let’s take for example Tarzan and Jane. They had a lovely son named Boy. Do you really think Jane had very much to do with the naming of that child? Perhaps it was the fact that it was a different era. Perhaps Jane was the more complacent type. I envision her at eight months pregnant, sitting in her grass hammock with her head tilted to one side, considering Tarzan’s suggestion of “Boy.”
“Boy… that has a nice ring to it. Now, honey, would you mind rubbing my feet and picking the insects out of my hair? Just don’t fill up before dinner.”
And why was it that everyone else got interesting names, like Tarzan or Cheetah? I understand that “Boy” might have been the easiest name, basically calling a spade a spade, but Cheetah was a primate!

And then there are parents who can’t, or simply won’t make up their minds. Olympic medalist Picabo Street was known as “Little Girl” for the first two years of her life. Why? Because her parents wanted her to pick her own name. This could be looked at as either very forward thinking, or a cop-out. Picking one’s own name at age 2 or 3 may be a nice idea, but the problems start at age 5 when little Patty Peterson realizes she will be known as Pee-pee for the rest of her elementary career. Should she blame herself, or her parents who didn’t want the responsibility of naming her?

Of course picking a name for your baby that he or she won’t be teased about later on is no easy task either. This is especially dangerous for people who don’t decide on a name until after the baby has been born. Naming a baby on the spur of the moment without the input from others should never be attempted by anybody who does not have a firm grasp of the English language or medical terminology. The world is not a friendly place when your name is Latrine or Gonoreah.

One must take into careful consideration what how the first and last names sound collectively. Say the names together fast to test them out. For instance, Frank Epstein, Shanda Lear and Lee King are not good combinations. Also consider if the name you are giving your child lends itself too easily to a less fortunate nick name. Boys with names like Harry Pit and Dick Ryder may not thank you, either.

You must also decide if you want your child to have a popular name or not. My son’s name is Jacob, a name of his father’s choosing. It has also the number one most popular boy’s name for the six years following his birth, according to social security statistics. In Jacob’s second grade class of fourteen students, three of them were named Jacob. Nine of Jacob’s classmates were girls. If any boy is misbehaving, a substitute teacher has a really good chance if he or she simply calls out “Jacob!” Three-fifths of the boys will respond to this name. Of course my son is now forced to go by his first name and last initial to differentiate him from all the other Jacobs’. As soon as another Jacob with the same last initial enters the class, my son’s name will again be changed to first name and complete last name, and so-on.

On the other side of the coin, if the name is too original, teachers and classmates won’t be able to read, pronounce or spell it. Though it may be a beautiful name when pronounced correctly, it may never be heard in its correct form outside the home. There is little benefit in this for little Delesiahannah, who still can’t spell her own name in the third grade. Yes, that’s pronounced Dee-Les-Ee-Ah-Ha-Nah, in case you were wondering.

So as you and your partner dutifully write down all your name ideas, enjoy each moment and each wonderful possibility. Just remember that by naming your child, you are condemning him or her to that name for the rest of his or her life. Of course your child can change it after they turn eighteen, but in return, they might condemn you to introduce them as MoonRaven Zenlight for the rest of yours. Choose wisely for from now on every little thing you do will inevitably have some profound effect on your child’s well-being that they will, without doubt, blame you for when they are older.